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Medical Humour
 
     Laughter is the best medicine!

Hospital Charts
Actual Writings from Hospital Charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
5. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
6. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
7. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
8. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
9. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
13. The skin was moist and dry.
14. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
16. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
17. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
18. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
19. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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Age....

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'Surely I can't look that old'. Well.....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes. I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"In 1965" he answered. "Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b***h asked, "What did you teach?"

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Haven't we all heard this before...?
A man walked into the doctor's office.
Doc: "Hello! I haven't seen you in a long time."
Man: "I know, I was very ill!"
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Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
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Psychiatric Hospitals
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well', said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub'.

'Oh, I understand', said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No', said the Director. 'The teaspoon, teacup and bucket are indicators which define the level of insanity. A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
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Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...... smack his ass again!"
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Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and  6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't  matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If  you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
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A Dental appointment for a Scot
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and enquires as to the cost of an extraction
The dentist informs him that it would be £90.00 with an injection.
The Scotsman then enquires as to the cost without injection.
The reply is, £75.00.
Now that is still too expensive says the Scotsman.
OK, we can do it for £45.00 using a trainee but with me in attendance.
That is still too expensive, can you do cheaper?
Well, for £25.00 I could have a trainee perform the task with a  trainee standing in to supervise.
That's OK, so when can I make an appointment for the Wife?
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Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery.......................The study of paintings
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.....A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan....................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her
Colic.........................A sheep dog
Coma........................A punctuation mark
Dilate........................To live long
Enema......................Not a friend
Fester.......................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.......................A small lie
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff..............A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................A higher offer
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates
Node.........................I knew it
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted
Pelvis.......................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...........A letter carrier
Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery
Rectum.....................Nearly killed him
Secretion..................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor
Tablet.......................A small table
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the airport
Tumour.....................One plus one more
Urine........................Opposite of you're out
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Novelty Breast Implants

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size and speaker size.
 
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Some Points to Ponder about

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out" ?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse"

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Is Alphabet soup any help to illiterate people?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?







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The information provided is intended to serve as a bona fide aid to Maltese Medical Practitioners. I, the website administrator, rely on third party information and therefore cannot accept liability for any errors or omissions. Should any inaccuracies in the data provided be noted, please contact me immediately so that I will make the necessary corrections promptly.